Excerpt: Relationships and Sex

Marriage is full of expectations. Our parents, families, friends and others want us to reflect or mirror them in our own marriages. When they give advice, they expect us to take to it hundred percent and live by it hundred percent. That your parents or whoever lived in a certain way or seem to get it right in their marriage is not a criteria for you to live your live patterned after them or dedicate your life to living after them. That they are experienced does not make their experience work in your own marriage.

Some parents want to dictate the kind of house you will live, the kind of car to drive, how many children you should give birth to, how you should take care of your family and some other basic things in life.

Many times, we allow external influence in our marriage, our parents wants us to live or do things in a particular way, when we get our heads full of doing things their way or we are trying to be them or like them, we are going to get ourselves confused and likely miss out of God’s plan and purpose.

Marriage is not meant to mirror or reflect anybody expect Jesus Christ. Apostle Paul wrote to the Church in Ephesus and he related the marriage relationship to that of the Christ and the Church. Eph5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church”

Love cushions, but cannot control the inevitable moment when reality rushes in. At a seminar on relationships, a friend named Kunle was admonishing every one present, and he said “the earlier you realize that your spouse is God’s perfect gift given to you, the quicker you will sort out issues with her”.  One of the ways to rescue yourself during such moment is to see beyond the situation, and to bring to your consciousness your conviction that your spouse is a gift of God to you. My wife and I had to agree that we must not pass the night without addressing our issue whenever we have an issue. This is one of the ways not to allow the devil a chance to come in and make something out of nothing really.

Getting married is different from dating or living together because it is a legal contract involving a life-long commitment, depending on self-knowledge and confidence and not experience and fear. Even people who have known each other for years can find it hard because suddenly the rules have changed. If you don't like it, you can't just slam the door and walk out because the only door key you hold belongs to the door behind you.

Whether they occur five hours, weeks or months after marriage, arguments are inevitable. Suddenly things that didn't matter now matter, because you are cementing paving stones for the future. What you agree on now will be relevant in ten or twenty years' time. Everything has to be sorted out, including silly things like which side of the bed to lie on, where to leave the post, who does the washing, whose parent to visit at Christmas and how often you go out with his awful but cherished mates. Are you prepared to be a traditional wife cooking a meal every night and washing up afterwards?

Some couple never really get beyond these misconceptions. They muddle through life never really getting what they want out of relationship. Men don't really like being viewed by their partners as an insensitive clod. Men and women are very different with respect to their sexual and nonsexual needs and desires, and thus bring very different ideas about relationships to the table. Clearly, most men probably see intercourse as being far more important to their overall happiness than most women do. But these differences extend to non-sexual matters as well. Men see themselves as "problem solvers" in a relationship, not as sympathizers. If a woman faces a problem involving a co-worker, for example, the male partner (husband), often believes that in order to make the woman feel better, the problem must be solved. In reality, what the woman is often looking for is not a solution to her problem, but rather expressions of caring sympathy. Phrases such as "You were mistreated and I can see why you are angry with the co-worker" may be far more successful than a sincere attempt to try to help her deal with the co-worker. Worst of all is to belittle the problem by saying "I don't think that's serious enough for you to be concerned or upset about”. In a relationship, that kind of help is asking for trouble.

Couples often don't realize that they differ on many issues - their aims, hopes, fears and expectations. By discussing these, you give yourselves time to align your ideas and attitudes. You can also spot any potential problems and start working on them together.

You'll find some issues easy to discuss, but others will take a while to talk through. Be prepared for long conversations and some disagreement. This whole process may take weeks, but it will worth it. The point is not necessarily that you agree on everything, though if you seriously disagree, see the 'troubleshooting'. The point is that by talking things through, you’ll not only get to understand each other better, but also align your expectations of marriage. You also get into practice for the key skills that will make your relationship successful - communicating and negotiating.

Do you realize that successful marriages are those wherein one person has to bear patience as a character and tolerance as a behaviour? At times, women seem to want it their way because it looks as if they can handle it. A life example was a situation whereby a man had to report the wife to his Pastor. For fifteen years of marriage that he had been complaining of salt not being enough in her food and every time he confronted her, she said that had been the way she had been cooking from her parents’ house. The woman was not ready to bend or play cool, she still want to cook for her husband the way she used to cook for her parents. The man had tried for fifteen years, but I think the best for her was to separate the pot.

When it comes to marriage, you must be able to control the influence from parents or other external factors, and you must be able to manage the affairs. You cannot be married and allow your parents or others to manage your marriage. Let your father be the best preacher and your mother be a professor of counselling, you need to be able to make your own decisions when it comes to your marriage. You need to stand on your decision without being influenced.

You need to be convinced about who you are getting married to. Your conviction must be based on your belief. As a Christian, you must be convinced that your spouse is who God wants you to get married to, she must be born-again. Conviction gives you reason to be patient, to endure all things and love your spouse the more because you know that he or she is given to you by God, and whatever that is from God is good and perfect. Conviction will give you reason to pray for each other always and also give you hope to trust in God in times when you are doubt.

To have a successful marriage relationship and other kind of relationships like with the in-laws and others, you will need to be prayerful, patient, tolerant, forgiving and you need to be a good listener.

The essence of being prayerful in a marriage is that it causes a great bond between the husband and wife. It unifies them in purpose and brings them close to God. When you pray, instead of struggling or arguing during issues, God can also intervene to solve the problem or bring solution to the matter. If there be a need for a change of heart, God is powerful and can control all things. He owns the heart of the king, He hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and God can also change the heart of whoever you are praying for. Prayer brings miracles our ways, it heals us and also addresses our misbehaviours.

Man most often times show some sensitivity towards the female partner, this would be a good start. This is why florists have become wealthy selling long-stem roses. This sensitivity is important both in and out of a sexual setting. Strong relationships begin with both partners sending strong signals that they care for each other. Relationships are not built on the sizes of breasts and penises. Most men are far less concerned about breast size than women believe. Analogously, most women are not nearly as concerned about the size of an erect penis as men believe. These are leftover myths from adolescence.

In short, relationships are built on three words: sensitivity, caring and communication. That is how love develops. It's really all quite simple but at the same time, marvelously complex. Sex without these three factors is dull and meaningless. So, how does a man show to a woman that he is sensitive and caring? Communications is critical.

I believe that men who are considered by women to be "great lovers" did not achieve this because of their skills at physical techniques. Great lovers become great because they are willing to communicate with women about exactly how they want things to be. In this regard, the man who considers himself to be "less experienced" with "more to learn" may actually be more successful than the man who claims to already know everything there is to know about relationship. The less experienced man will likely want to communicate with his partner on a continuous basis.

Interestingly, the ability to communicate our needs and feelings during intimate sexual activity often helps build better communication skills in non-sexual areas as well, solidifying the relationship in total. Sex for women is more than the intercourse and they tend to be more  intimate when the conditions necessary for intimacy are met. Women are to be treated with respect, honour and every man should elevate his wife to a condition in which she is worthy of esteem. Conversely, every other aspect of sexuality impacts our relationships: self-esteem, body image, personality, values, gender roles, sexual orientation, communication, activity options and biological sex.