Excerpt : Relationships and Sex

There are so many others facing different and unique issues in their marriages. My advice to you either a man or a woman is that, when the issues are going out of hand and it seems you cannot go on in your marriage again, then you will need the intervention of friends, family and the church. Whoever you consider to help you should be someone you can trust for right support, and for you, what should be paramount is your well-being, how to take care of yourself.

You love your spouse, but what is the reality on ground? There are problems you cannot handle and they are frustrating your marriage. Do not tell me that you are holding on and that you are expecting a change, what if there is no change? He is still doing those same things, how long can you wait for him hoping for a change?
Have you thought about the effect of what can happen to you if he does not change? He keeps beating you, still drinks, fornicates and he is still all the nots, what effect will all these have on your health, and your general wellbeing? It can also lead to your untimely death, if you die, is God going to give you a hand shake of well done? Is God going to judge you fulfilled? Do not forget it was your choice to marry him and also your choice to stay in the marriage even when there are pointers that you need intervention.

During a section in the first Lagos West Anglican diocesan Youth camp meeting, late Ven Olu Oshewa was advising us about marriage, who to get married to and the values to look out for. He made mention of how that the church had to dissolve a marriage on the basis of falsehood. The lady involved discovered that her husband was a thief and other nots. If you were her Pastor or Reverend, what would you have her do? Then what would you also do to help her?  

There was another lady that had a church wedding with her husband. One day while she was cleaning the house, she found a wedding invitation card, and to her greatest surprise it was her husband getting married to another woman in another state in the same country on that day. On the same day, she reported to her church and the church immediately sent correspondence to the other church where the wedding was taking place and the wedding was stopped.

Divorce is not the plan and purpose of God for anybody. It is the choice of people and it is because they have not allowed the word of God dwell richly in them to address their irregularities and excesses, like lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh and pride of life. Jesus said in Math19:3b “but from the beginning it was not so”. It was not the mind of God that anyone should divorce. 1Cor7:10 “and unto the married I command, yet not I but the Lord, let not the wife depart from her husband”. As a child of the God, if you do not walk in the leading of the Lord and stay in His plan and purpose, then you will miss out to experience all manner of ill relationships and eventually found out that you cannot cope in the marriage and you are seeking for divorce.

In today’s world, it is a fashion and a norm kind of that even our cultures sort of support our weaknesses. When a married man is sleeping with another woman, we tend to make it an African thing. We do not see anything inappropriate in that, but let me remind us that there is also a culture in Africa, where the woman is permitted with more than one man. In the sight of God, all of that is adultery, Heb13:4 “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled”. When marriage is no more about a man and a woman, when either partner defiles the bed, you also break the covenant and make a new covenant with your new bed mate, 1Cor6:16 “what? Know ye not that he which is joined to a harlot is one body?” Invariably you are a harlot too.

Definitely I may not subscribe to immediate dissolution of marriage, but there are so many reasons, why divorce may not be the option, 1Cor7:12-14, Apostle Paul here was addressing the Corinthian church about marriage, an unbeliever may be all the nots, because he has the tendency to demonstrate all the bad habits expected because the master is the devil. How can you Christian be fulfilled if you are married to an unbeliever? You have different interest and values. The bible advice 1Cor7:15 “But if the unbeliever depart, let him depart, a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God hath called us to peace”.

What about marrying a believer that backslides? Or what if the unbeliever is not departing? Let me address this by saying that, he is a believer does not mean that he automatically will possess the best or good attitudes, even believers come to this end some times when they have to divorce. What about if he does not allow the scripture address his excesses? What if he does not renew his mind?

Definitely, Christians ought to be like Jesus Christ, but when we come short of this, to an extent where we are referred to as ill-mannered, it is because we are not living our lives has Christ-likes.  He may have backslidden because he does not allow the scripture address him or renew his mind.   In a case where you married as believers and now he has backslidden, you need to consider who and what control his mind now. As an unbeliever or a backslidden Christian, no sentiment, he is your husband but he is an unbeliever or backslidden Christian that is being controlled by the devil, you should expect worst because the devil is not going to take things easy with him. On this note, when issues are beyond you and your spouse does not see it or he is not coming from a reasonable angle that he used to, I think you need a space from each other, to help you think, pray better and come up with a preferred solution. Peradventure, if he is an unrepentant unbeliever, you need to keep the space, how long can you stay or live with an unbeliever? How can you be fulfilled with him? If you have different purpose, objectives and values in a marriage, how can the marriage work? Can two walk together unless they agree?

You may not necessarily need a divorce, may be you just need to separate, separation is a time to refresh yourself, or a time to reflect soberly. Time to pray, time to assure yourself, time to weigh the issue, time to think about solution, time to build your confidence and time to confront the issue. So you will need to move out of the house before the angry and the ugly man in him consumes you and before he does something terribly bad because you seem helpless.

   Happy new year, wishing you  a wonderful and fulfilled year.